Everything matters to Werner

Everything matters to Werner

I visit a gym and have gotten to know many of my fellow old ‘gymnasts’. One of them is Werner who  asked me to read this story he wrote and then corrected himself and said no, it’s a poem, that he wrote. He handed me what he wrote and did so with lots of hesitation, handing it to me and then taking it back. Finally, he said, “”Oh well. Here goes. I guess it says something you didn’t know about me. Maybe we can talk about it after you have read it. Come to think about it I might not want to talk about what you read. Screw it here goes.

I read it and was left breathless, saddened, floored, mostly speechless. I said to myself. So, this explains it…the it being who this guy is. Werner is very private, funny, great story teller, worldly, insightful. Many of us are drawn to him as he wanders around the gym. What I realize now and not before I read his ‘poem’ is how super vigilant he is. I notice everything and also remembers everything. My fellow gym mates laugh. “If you want to have what is said remember tell it to Werner.” Notices everything? He can tell if a piece of gym material needs some adjustment long before there is anything wrong with it. He notices everything about even the most seemingly insignificant happening. I think I get this guy in ways I never did before. Oh, one more thought, I guess we, any of us remember our past experiences in how we live our lives. No erasures are possible.

What matters?

Everything matters

Even the full moon’s dim light in my attic

The sound of a siren

Getting louder

Moving away

Shouting from the street

Far away

Closer

Whispers, below

Outside the door

A child coughing

Beyond my attic

A half-moon shuts down for the night

Seeing through a broken sliver in the wall

A young girl skating on a frozen pond

Twirling, dancing

Jumping high above the ice

One day I will learn to skate

Just like her

Maybe never

But between now and then, what

The black night fills my space

I think of Berndt, Erna, Werner, Greta

Can I make them not matter?

Everything matters

Nothing matters

Sneezing with voices nearby

Matters

Waking up frozen

Shouldn’t matter

Ssssssssh and holding my breath

Matters

Time matters for now

For how long

The sun has now set

Tomorrow doesn’t matter

Screams matter

Where to go when here is impossible

That matters

The others, the make believe people

The ones that are often with me

They do what I say

They matter

The sun is hidden behind clouds and smoke

I’m hungry

Chill that doesn’t stop

The sound of my teeth chatter

Can that be heard?

How long for the sun to go down

Slowly or at once

Seeing the sun barely up from behind the black winter clouds

How many more mornings before I can see the buds besides the pond

Once again, night

It is quiet for now and that matters

Screeching tires matter more than a car horn

Steps that are loud and fast matter

Shuffling heels passing along the sidewalk

The kind that move on don’t matter

How long has it been till now and how far till then?

That can no longer matter

Or the life before now

With Berndt, Greta and all the others

The back then people

I write equations for what matters and what doesn’t

Tonight I can see stars in a distant sky

I’m not alone

My head people the ones that I have invented just for me

Lisa, Jakob, Gunther, Betty, little Lottie, are all mine

They do what I want

And my animals, the purple squeaker duck,

Tillie the snake

Nancy the turtle

And Dr. Fritz the deer

They are all for me today and forever,

Maybe

Once again it is raining

Always alone

With memories from before

Alone to decide what is important

What matters?

And for how long

Everything matters so much that nothing can matter

Another day as the sun sneaks up behind the church towers

From downstairs Selma brings me a dish,

Once a day

I eat what is in the bowel

Slowly

Later, each day

One of my characters

Nina

Brings me hot spicy sausages and sauerkraut in a wine sauce

Dumplings in gravy

An apple tart for desert served with sweetened cream on top

My other people play games and make music with me after lunch

They play chess with each other

I play Schubert’s Trout on the cello

Lothar’s violin needs to be tuned

I can tell him that and he won’t be hurt

Everything matters

A winter sky that reveals nothing

Tomorrow I wake up cold

Once again time to listen

To everything

Everything matters